Beauty's Castle Forums

[Gwyneth Rose]

The Sadistic Side of Me
by Jack Rinella

Issue 43, 2003

Every once in a while Patrick gets fed up with the pain I am
inflicting upon him and he lets me know that such is the case. In the
early days of our relationship he would lose his temper and yell for
me to stop. In more recent years his angst is less dramatically
expressed but remains clearly evident.

Of course we don't often think of bottoms, slaves, or boys flying
off the handle as a result of our sadism but it happens nevertheless.

Last week was a mild example. Though there was no anger expressed,
it was obvious that Patrick had had enough of me and my clothespins.
There were two of them on the loose skin between his anus and ball
sac. My crotch pounded them as I fucked him, robbing him of any and
all pleasure.

The next night he asked me "Why are you so sadistic?"

I told him to write down the question and put it on the night
stand. The answer would make a good column.

So for the last week I have been trying to find out why I'm
sadistic. I have come up with several answers, though I fear none of
them is a very good explanation. In the end, all I can say is that
being sadistic is me. Period. It's part and parcel of who I am and how
I like to have sex.

Now I'm not one for pulling wings off butterflies or tying tin
cans to cats' tails, but give me a willing man or woman and I'll
inflict pain on them until I shoot my load.

The first reason that I continue to be sadistic is that I find
being so incredibly erotic. After all, my dictionary defines sadism as
"the perversion of deriving sexual satisfaction from the infliction of
pain on others." Though we could argue all night about whether or not
I am a pervert (several therapists have told me that I am sane), I
certainly derive pleasure, a great amount of it, when I inflict pain.

Whether it's with crop, whip, paddle, clamps, or clothespins, my
favorite, there is a mysterious connection between the infliction of
pain and the stiffness of my dick. Even the idea of inflicting pain
will arouse me and, at times, bring me to orgasm.

This sadism, interestingly enough, has to be consensual. I really
don't enjoying inflicting pain on the unwilling, nor by accident. If I
don't think you like what I'm doing, I stop. There is something about
my sadism that demands that it be a mutual and consensual activity. I
guess that's why I'm not a psychopath.

Patrick, on the other hand, is adamant that he is not a masochist.
Over the years we have discussed that allegation and he continues to
affirm it. He must know so I have to find another reason that he
consents. That reason, of course, is that he loves to give me
pleasure. He accepts it all, at least most of the time, simply because
he knows that it makes me feel good.

That then leads to my second reason. I am sadistic because I love
to be in control. Inflicting pain is a matter of domination.
Inflicting pain expresses and illustrates who is in charge. I do so
because I can. Having submitted himself to me, Patrick is my property,
a man who has voluntarily relinquished his right of self-determination
to me. I have all the rights.

But this D/s relationship, or any such relationship, means nothing
if it is all theory. If I never exercise my ownership, it is vague
and, for me, meaningless. Sadistic activity demonstrates my position
and my authority. It says: "You are mine to do with as I please. This
pain pleases me." In that sense it's not about pain. It's all about
control.

Related to the pleasure theory is that I enjoy watching, hearing,
and seeing the reaction. I love to beat an ass or squeeze testicles
until I hear real moans and groans. The sounds excite me. Likewise, I
love to watch the skin turn colors: from pink to red to purple. I love
to see welts appear and especially to feel the heat of the skin. To
experience the physical changes turns me on.

Again, this a control issue: I can make these changes happen.

Of course, there is a down side to that. Over the years a body
adjusts. What would have made Patrick black and blue seven years ago
literally has no long term effect on him. The joy of seeing the result
of my "work" in the morning has long since passed. On a rare morning
there may be some pink, but it is hardly noticeable.

None of these answers explain why. Note that I wrote above; "The
first reason that I continue." Having found a great deal of pleasure
in sadistic activity, I continue to enjoy it. What is unanswered is
the why of becoming or being so in the first place.

Oh we can conjure up reasons: biology, evil, original sin, primal
urge, neural connections, instinct, DNA, psychology, repressed anger,
expressed projection. The list of why could go on nearly infinitum,
especially if we've been drinking beer.

I think most of us first discover the joy of pain when we lose our
baby teeth. I remember using my tongue in the fourth grade to wiggle a
loose tooth. It hurt when I did so, but it hurt so good. OK, that
might explain masochism. There is a demonstrable connection between
pain and the pleasurable hormones our bodies release when pain is
experienced.

For a better treatment of masochism get a copy of "Urban
Aboriginals, A Celebration of Leather Sexuality," by Geoff Mains (ISBN
1-881943-18-6, Daedalus Publishing Co.). Another book that I recommend
is "Masochism, A Jungian View," by Lyn Cowan (Spring Publications,
ISBN 0-88214-367-0), though it is a bit scholarly.

What then is the connection between inflicting pain and pleasure?
There in lies the answer that evades me.

It is, I think, linked to the survival of the fittest. Sexual
aggression in the male is rewarded by an increase in offspring, while
the non-aggressive are spurned by the female. Over millennia this has
somehow evolved into sadistic pleasure. Certainly an aroused male (or
female for that matter) becomes more primal and more aggressive. But
here I am on shaky territory. I can only guess wildly, being neither a
biologist, psychologist, or archeological sociologist.

Is the connection in actuality that I get pleasure from my
partner's pleasure? This is circular but not impossible. We do this
together. He is pleased because I am pleased and I pleased because he
is. Here the reasoning, such as it is, falls apart, unless we return
once again to the primary reason for what we do: it's fun.

My play with Patrick is mutually enjoyable. That in itself is
enough of a reason. Why is it so? Ask me when I reach enlightenment.
Until then, I'll just be enjoying myself as we actually enjoy each
other.

[bottoming bug {JA}]

Hmmm Sadism.... well I like some things that are "painful"... hell a nice hard fuck is great and that can hurt, but in a good way. I love hot hot wax, but it's not exactly pain, in that it's not at ALL unpleasent, etc. I don't think anyone should enjoy actualy being hurt or hurting others... I know some people who do, and it's plain scary the kinds of relationships they get into! ... I know women who think it HAS to hurt. And I think all of us will agree love shouldn't hurt people... now that gets into definitions of "pain"... but like I said, having talked to folks in the castle and rt masochists enjoy certain things and it doesn't "hurt" at ALL, it feels great... like having your ass slaped, hair pulled etc... just doesn't hurt. somethings that look painful just feel good. I also hear a lot of people talk about how much pain they can "take" and frankly I think that's silly. If it don't feel good don't do it. If you bottom doesn't like it, why the hell are you hurting them? All the good S&M players I know rt and vt have their partners pleasure clearly at heart... S&M is about enjoying our love with eachother. If a spanking doesn't feel good don't do it just to take it. I think that when Sadism starts actualy hurting someone it crosses over and is no longer a loving sexual expression it's an ego trip... and Ego + Power = evil/fucked up shit/hurt and damaged individuals and societies. If your partner has to actualy ask you "why are you so Sadistic with me?" then obviously they are feeling hurt by what you are doing and you should self examine and make sure it's still about the love you have for eachother and not about YOUR EGO or theirs for that matter. We are already dealing with a lot of power in BDSM... that ego thing gets more and more important the more power you are dealing with.
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This is where I'm suposed to type something clever or cryptic right?

[Darkson`s bunnygirl]

See, I become increasingly confused when we try to label ourselves. Sadism and masochism are things I find very difficult to explain. People tend to throw the words about because they meet the current fashion trends and seemingly the expectations of an incresingly desensitised society. What makes someone a sadist? What makes someone a masochist?

I, for example, have been termed a 'masochist' and it's something I always kick out against. I don't find any amount of sexual gratification in the mere infliction of pain. If I stub my toe on the side of the bath, I scream out in pain, not pleasure. Even once the initial acute pain wears off, I'm still left cursing and swearing (not in a good way) and really wishing I hadn't done it. Yet, there are some things that I've done and had done to me which have caused me pain: actual, physical pain and I've enjoyed every moment of it. The difference being, why and for whom that pain is being inflicted.

Now, anyone who claims that pain is something that actually, in itself, gets them off, I would find difficult to believe. Because, by definition, if something is painful, it's not pleasureable. As miss buggy says, a spanking or hair pulling, it's not painful, it's pleasureable. What some may observe and see as pain, is, in fact, not. So, if it's in fact not painful at all to the person experiencing the sensation, but is something totally pleasureable, how can that make that person a masochist? Just because someone observing may think "oh, that must hurt because her skin's turning pink", doesn't necessarily mean that it is.

But, this brings me back to me (and no, I'm not being egotistical, just 'myself' is the most well-known example for me to use). Why do I, have I and will I in the future, experience physical sensations that bring me no pleasure at all? Why would I put my physical self through torture that I simply find no pleasure in at all? Why would I open myself to that kind of abuse? Because the mind is a much greater stimulant than the body.

As much as I may kick out against other labels, I am submissive. I submit totally to my gorgeous, dark and deliciously evil Master. Here, it becomes an issue of trust. I trust completely that He will never allow any harm to come to me. I trust completely that anything and everything He asks/requests/demands of me are for the benefit of our relationship. I put myself in His hands, because that is where I belong and if He wants me to experience pain, in any of its millions of forms, that is exactly what I will experience and willingly so.

Will I cry? Yes.

Will I scream? Yes.

Will I beg Him to stop? Yes.

Do I want Him to stop? No.

Because I need to experience whatever it is that He wishes of me. I am His flesh and if He wants me to scream and cry and plead, that is exactly what I'll do at His hand. I know what I am: I'm His toy. I'm here, in the very fortunate position I'm in because I need nothing more than to submit to His will. I need to have no choice. I need all of that to be in His hands. The purest form of power exchange possible. And that, is what brings me my pleasure. To know that in giving up my power of choice, my power to say 'no', I am bringing Him pleasure.

When I feel pain from Him, I feel pain. Physical pain. There is no physical pleasure in that. However, the mental, the emotional, the psychological... it's all crying out and begging for more. The pleasure comes from the very fact that I will, willingly, wantonly, desirously put myself in those positions, experience exactly what He wants me to experience, because it brings Him pleasure to hear it, to feel it, to see me in pain... struggling within the depths of myself to find that place where it all melts into a deliciously sweet torture of the soul, not of the flesh. My pleasure comes from serving Him, in giving up the most basic choice over what my flesh feels.

So, I would wonder if all of this is the case as stated, whether I am not a masochist afterall. I mean, I don't think anyone would deny the fact that my gorgeous hunk of a Master is a Sadistic... *coughs*... well... a Sadist... *cheeky grin*... the very fact that He wants to have me experience pain under His hand, to hear me scream, to taste my tears. And that I would willingly put myself in that position, for Him, for me, for us... the opposite side of His coin?

Well, whatever I am... whatever anyone else wants to label me as... I am now and always will be... me.

As simple or as complex as that makes it.
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"History will be kind to me. For I intend to write it" - Sir Winston Churchill